Ode to albatrosses: Why Men Are Bastards

Following the breakup of one of my best friends, we all got together to write a list of why men are bastards. Please don’t be insulted or send me hate mail.

They only reply to you if you put a question in the text.
They’re sexist and egocentric.
I still haven’t met one who knows where my clitoris is.
They have no conscience.
They mess you around and don’t have a clue what they’re doing wrong.
They’re so STUPID.
They see women as something to collect rather than love.
‘Cos they are!
They all just assume that they have the biggest dick you’ve ever come accross.
They get off with your sister then move straight onto you.
They lie about everything.
They’re really selfish.
They’re dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
They think with their dicks.
They dump you by text because they’re too scared to say it to your face.
They still expect you to shag them after they’ve broken up with you.
They get off with you then don’t ever call or get in contact with you.
They’re useless.
I don’t like them.
They think poking you in the belly button turns you on when it really really doesn’t.
They continue to have sex in a weird position even when you’ve told them it does nothing for you.
They like women in sweaty clothes.
They go for private lap dances behind their girlfriend’s backs like the horny pervy dickish scummy cunts they are.
They are either sexually or socially inept.
They don’t give a toss when they don’t see their girlfriend for 2 weeks and make NO effort to see you.
They’re REALLY REALLY REALLY nice to you and flirt lots and make you feel bad about fancying them because they aren’t your boyfriend.
They think they can pull you by putting their hand up your skirt.
They think that because you are wearing a short skirt it is okay if they randomly stick their hand up it as they walk past you in the street- it isn’t!
They assume that if you don’t fancy them you are a lesbian.
They only ever look at tall skinny or blonde women and never look at ugly little stumpy women (not true, she isn’t ugly and what’s so great about blondes?).
They love their dicks so much they build statues of them only enlarged cos they don’t have the size themselves.
They have HUUUUUUUUUGE egos.
They put their cars before their women.
They think that your whole life revolves around them.
They make stupid remarks like “there are two types of women- those that take it up the arse and those that don’t”.
They’re only capable of loving one person- themselves.
Creepy old men look in your hand bag.
They want you to sell your body.
It’s always the ugly ones that like you.
They all turn into pervy old men as soon as they hit forty.
They expect you to give them head but have no intention of returning the favour.
They mess you around and then just when you’re getting over them, they come back and mess you around all over again.
They ignore you for days and then expect sex just like that, like they can get it on tap.
They use you as a contingency plan for if they might feel horny later, completely ignoring the fact that you have feelings and don’t like being treated like a piece of furniture.
They think that a short skirt means that any random ugly, annoying, or old man can come up and get it off you, life doesn’t work like that, if you don’t turn me on then I don’t give a fuck how much I turn you on.
They still give you puppy dog looks and make you feel bad months after they’ve decided they aren’t interested.
There really are sweet ones, but most of them are just all chauvenistic bastards who talk too much about themselves then get confused when they realise you actually have something to say.
They’ll happily tell all their friends about how great you are, but they never actually tell you so you only find out about it months later from some complete random.
They never reassure you- all women are insecure, if you don’t reassure us we just move on to someone who does.

Labels: Courting, Lists, Pleasure

Look at your second point.
They’re Sexist.
Right, a sexist remark, great start.
“It’s always the ugly ones that like you”
Hello? Earlier you were having a go at them for caring about looks, and then you go and do it. Furthermore when women act like sluts (sex in the city, great example, watched one episode, turned away in deiscust), like earing ridiculously short skirts (and you blame them for thinking you are attractive) it’s alright. But when men flirt, they are just sex obsessed. And men see women as objects? Well then, odn’t dress yourself up like one, women have a choice you know? Don’t encourage them and they won’t come. Duh! It takes two to tango.
The one about giving head… yeah, I’ll give you that, for some guys (*cough!* not me)
Men are not stupid, and don’t think with their dicks. It’s just the one you meet in pubs, clubs ect. (any social gathering like that) have a higher probability of fitting into your catergorisation. It’s simple really, there is typical behaviour for ’stupid,’ ‘egotistic’ ect. men , they’re all outgoing. This may seem slightly strange. But the best men are the ones that are 32, live with their mum, and work in IT in the basement (and do the whole lonely hearts thing). It’s also possible that women make men the way they are, andthey say. It’s not me it’s the rest of the world. And if you really are fed up with men, go lesbian, or asexual (actually women are sex obsessed as well, I know of asexual guys who haven’t been able to keep a relationship going, because they didn’t want to have sex), or aromantic.
One last message to all sexist women who say all men are sexist: “You Flipping Hippicrit!”

Posted by Anonymous | 2:15 PM, September 22, 2006