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Sunday, April 02, 2006 

Stupid Loves

He was tall and I was drunk. This is a scenario that repeatedly causes me problems. I have such a weakness for anyone plus six foot two that it’s stupid. I was feeling lonely (also something that gets me into trouble) so when he approached me I was like play doh. He was gorgeous, and there was something about him that I found completely and utterly irresistible. He just made me melt.

The first time I met him I wanted him a lot but nothing ended up happening. The second time was… more eventful. But nothing came of it; I assumed it was a fling. And it was, completely. So I was mildly put out that nothing really happened, but being single suited me and I got over it quite quickly.

It was the third time that completely ruined me. After that I really did expect something to happen. He kept on making promises, but never actually doing anything. Somehow we didn’t see each other and I dated a few different people, eventually ending up with a boyfriend. Then I saw him again. My friend was a bitch to him, she’d never liked him and knew that he’d hurt me. He went away pissed off at the end of it which I think hurt me nearly as much as it hurt him. I saw him later, without the friend, but with the boyfriend. I apologised for her and we were alright. We chatted about some random crap and that was pretty much it over.

So nothing actually happened with him. But we never really got closure; we just didn’t see each other for a while. I see him quite a lot though now. It’s a small town and we keep on running into each other. For a while he had a girl friend. I still have the boyfriend, but he’s going away in a month or so now. I don’t know if he still has the girlfriend. He wasn’t with her when I last saw him and he was giving my looks. But I wasn’t with my boyfriend either and I was giving him them right back so who knows?

I was with Scott, a friend of my boyfriend’s, and he had his arm around me. So he stopped me from going and talking to him (or throwing myself at him). If he hadn’t been keeping hold of me I don’t think I could have kept hold of me because I was just that drunk. And I’m an absolute idiot for men who give me the right type of look.

I just truly don’t know what he wants from me. Does he want anything? Was he just as drunk as I was and feeling a bit lonely because his girlfriend wasn’t with him? I need a self-help book, or even someone who can simply explain. I hate that he makes me this confused. I hate that I have a boyfriend and I’m thinking of someone else. I hate that my boyfriend is leaving and I’m going to be stuck single again. Being single isn’t good for me. I end up with shit heads who treat me very badly and cause me too much confusion.

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About me

  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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    * In 2001 one New Zealand fishing boat killed over 300 seabirds in just one trip, while fishing for ling.
    * Each year over 300,000 seabirds are killed by longline fishing.
    * Over the past 60 years some albatross populations have declined by 90%.
    * Annually around 10,000 albatross and petrels are caught in New Zealand waters alone.
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