My sister regularly has her heart broken. When I see her I try to understand her need to put herself out there but I just don't get it. She falls in love, has her heart totally trodden on, mopes, whines and begs, and then when things are so totally over even she starts to admit it, she falls in love with someone else.
Someone asked me once, if you and your fiancé broke up, you wouldn't be like that, you would survive wouldn't you? I guess the implication was that she couldn't survive a break up. I could survive a break up, I wouldn't want to, but I could and I'd move on. I'm a survivor, my heart gets hurt less because even when I'm in love, my heart is still closed.
We argue and he says horrible things, and I say horrible things and I can't cry. I cry afterwards, on my own, when I'm sat in an empty room after he's left our flat in anger, but I cant cry in front of him. If he broke up with me I wouldn't do the usual female litany and beg or stalk or cry and scream. I did all that once when I was seventeen and too young to know better. I learnt from my mistakes. But sometimes I wonder if I could be too closed off.
Right now he hates me and I don't blame him. I'm pushy, aggressive and demanding. I hold all the power in the relationship and right now I'm stressed out and making him miserable. I'm terrified that I'm leaving him behind and I can't talk to him about it because he just won't listen. I'm just about to get my BSc and he hasn't got anything to show for the last three years together. We adore each other when we have any time to ourselves, but he has to work full time in a crappy no hope job just to pay the bills and I have too much coursework and revising for exams at the minute to find time for dates and being loving.
Everybody has faults, I more than most. Someone once offered me a bracelet that apparently would give me good luck in love. I told him that thank you, but no thank you, I don't need luck in love. I am lucky in love, I've found the perfect man for me and there's nothing that is so wrong with him that I need to worry about my relationship. Unfortunately there's a lot that is wrong with me.
I would survive a break up. He wouldn't survive as well. I don't worry any more about our relationship ending, I worry that if it does, would he survive it and retain his innocence? If I could go from a whiny pathetic regular girl to a callous bitch in the space of one break up, I don't think I could live with watching something I did do that to him.
Labels: Being the Duck