Selfishness
He kissed me slowly, like he wanted to stay there forever. Like he didn't have to turn around and walk away. But I can't ask that of him. It's too early, he doesn't love me enough, there are more important things. I won't ask him to put his life on hold for me. How can I do that when I know that I couldn't do it for him?So he lies beside me now, breathing deeply, his breath warm on my ear and his arm heavy accross my stomach. I won't move or make a sound for fear of waking him up, of making all this somehow not real. And this is perfect, for once everything is good. But I know that he's going to get up one day and not come back. There's a time limit before he has to leave, and I can't change it, can't change his mind. He told me from the start that he was going to have to go away, go and be a hero somewhere, do what he had to do. And I understood, I understand, I just don't want him to leave.
I know I'm being selfish. How can I truly care about someone yet not wish them to do what will make them happy? So he turns away from me, unclasps his large hands from mine, and walks away shutting the door behind him. I can't cry about it because he hasn't gone yet. I still have him here beside me, I still have him inside me, making me feel happy just for once. But I can't keep having the perfect moments, I can't let him into my heart because if he comes in then it'll make the leaving all the harder. I have to kiss him on the doorstep and push him down the path.
And he has to do the same for me. He'll let me into his bed, but he'll still turn his back on me at the door. And he doesn't look back. I don't look back. We both know that we're on a count down and that every day it gets just that little bit closer.
Every time he turns his back though, every time I turn mine, it hurts. I know that I can't let him in, but somehow I keep reliving those perfect moments, allowing him into my heart. I can't help it, my first instinct is to let him in and deal with the consequences later. I want to feel his hair under my fingertips, to have his arms wrapped around me. I want him to know how much I care for him, and for him to feel the same way about me. But neither of us can do it, I've let him in too much and I know I should stop. But he isn't going to allow me any further, and so I stop, hold back. And the feeling, me holding back, feels like I'm being suffocated, restrained. I feel constricted and there isn't anything I can do to stop it.
I can't leave him, there's so little time there is no point. And it's us splitting up thats the problem. But staying with him is so hard, so claustrophobic. I just want the freedom of knowing that we're happy as we are, and that he isn't going anywhere any time soon. But I'm not selfish enough to ask that.
Labels: Flying
