Someone to Care
A small smile comes to my face as a low buzz fills the room. Verification that I'm loved- I've received a text. I don't use my phone in emergencies, most the time I actually need it I've completely forgotten where I last put it. I guess the sole reason I have a phone is to prove to myself that people do love me, I have friends. I'm pathetic, I know, but I can't help it. I don't particularly care what the texts say, mostly I don't reply due to lack of money or forgetting where I last put my top up card. But I do love receiving them, I love the knowledge that someone, somewhere, remembers that I exist and have spared a thought to send me a message, find out how I am.
I don't know if I'll ever manage to have children. The idea of someone I adore screaming that they hate me, that they can't stand me and that I'm the worst mother in the world... I need to be loved more than anything else in the world. I can't stand the feeling when you're sitting there in an empty room and there is no one, no one that knows you're there, no one that cares. If someone I loved as much as my child rejected me, someone that had come from inside me not just been inside me (though rejection from them is bad enough). I'm not good at that kind of rejection, if I don't feel loved I don't feel anything.
I'm not sure if that makes me weak, it is definitely a weakness. I don't want to be weak, but I do want to be honest, and if that proves that I'm not strong then so be it. I don't believe that I'm not strong, just someone who's been hurt and who needs a little more love because of it.
It's chris telling me she's changed her number. That's good, she's been getting a stupid amount of hassle from T-mobile and needed to change her sim. It isn't an important text, but for a moment it reminds me that there are people out there who still care for me. That's all I need, all I want. Just someone to care.
Labels: Falling
