Monday, January 21, 2008 


This year I never made any resolutions. It came to the right time and I just didn’t know what to say. Usually they seem so… predictable. I must lose three pounds, I will exercise regularly, I will be more considerate of those around me, I will dedicate myself to my career. And how many people stick to them?

I once rejected a boy for the sole reason that he would never go anywhere. He loved his “home comforts,” his job which kept him as close to the nest as possible, I just couldn’t be with someone who never wanted to do anything. A little while earlier, that sweet but hopeless boy not even an issue, I made a resolution.

“[I will] Fall in love. Not just lust or like. Actual love. Somehow I think this one may take longer than a year to be fulfilled.”

It took me five or six months, but I fell in love. He was… I don’t know, just someone there at the right time maybe, or perhaps he was right for me. He was what I thought I wanted but almost exactly opposite to what I needed. He was unsupportive, antagonistic, and made me feel like I was somehow less than I actually was. It ended, as always, badly.

That boy who I rejected, that one who I could never grow to love, he was the one who appreciated me. That one who I loved never could. Of the two, I would now say both were wrong, but wrong for the same reasons. Neither will escape their comfort zones, those homes where they are spoilt and looked after, and I can never go back to mine like that.

I now resolve not to make resolutions. The ones that are forgotten are probably best that way, and the ones that come to pass should never have been uttered in the first place. Events will take place when they are meant to and resolving to do something important can come at any time of the year, while new years resolutions are made solely because we’re forced into saying we’ll do something.

Falling in love is good, and always a lesson. But it should never have been hurried, and while I don’t regret how it came to pass, I’m glad of the fact it ended, and I wish that when it did it had ended more definitely. I have done some truly stupid things. I’ve betrayed people and never been able to apologise because the damage finding out the betrayal would cause is more awful than the lying and hurt from having to lie. Resolutions just remind me of how naïve I was, and how much I don’t want to look back in future and realise how naïve and stupid I am now.

I can never make an apology without causing hurt, and no matter how hard I try I can’t take back the mistakes I already made. But I don’t have to repeat them, and I don’t have to make myself remember them by writing down pointless resolutions that will hurt me in the future.


Sunday, January 06, 2008 

A better time for love

How do good relationships fall apart? Maybe we fall into ruts, get tired of doing the same things, the same people, again and again. Maybe we fall in love with someone else- we don’t mean to, but sometimes you can’t help when you fall, or who it happens to be for. Maybe life gets in the way, a far away job, an illness, even a death. Maybe you’ve just forgotten who it was you fell in love with, and realise that the person you’re waking up next to every morning isn’t it anymore. Honestly I don’t know, if you love someone, why let them go?

I never intended to fall in love. I asked him how it felt to be loved by me once, he replied, “how does it feel to have broken the girl who couldn’t love, who didn’t want to, and who loved being single? It feels awesome.”

That’s how he sees it- he broke me, changed me into someone slightly different, someone maybe slightly better. But I never asked to be broken; it’s just something that happened accidentally along the way. And, occasionally, I wonder what it would have been like if I hadn’t been broken. I wonder what it would be like if I were allowed to kiss other boys, to act a little more my age, and to shake off the ties that are currently holding me back from doing those things.

We have a good relationship. I have a white gold commitment ring that promises, and reminds me, that I am promised to him, and that I must stay faithful. I love him more than I ever imagined I could love anything, or anyone. I don’t think I could ever love anyone more than I love him, but sometimes I wonder if we found each other too young.

Once I made the comparison of love to flying, once I thought love a myth similar, just out of reach, like I were built to love like I’m built for flying. And now that I’ve had experience of one, I think I wouldn’t be able to handle the other. As soon as you think you’ve got it sussed, suddenly something happens to make you think that you don’t know anything.

So how do good relationships fail? They fail when one person wants something slightly more, when everything is no longer enough. They fail when someone like me looks around and thinks that it might be nice to kiss another boy, when someone like me makes the biggest mistake of her life because she thinks there’s a better time for love.


About me

  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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Save the Albatrosses


    * In 2001 one New Zealand fishing boat killed over 300 seabirds in just one trip, while fishing for ling.
    * Each year over 300,000 seabirds are killed by longline fishing.
    * Over the past 60 years some albatross populations have declined by 90%.
    * Annually around 10,000 albatross and petrels are caught in New Zealand waters alone.
  • Save the Albatrosses
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