Ode to albatrosses

Following the breakup of one of my best friends, we all got together to write a list of why men are bastards. Please don’t be insulted or send me hate mail.

• They only reply to you if you put a question in the text.
• They’re sexist and egocentric.
• I still haven’t met one who knows where my clitoris is.
• They have no conscience.
• They mess you around and don’t have a clue what they’re doing wrong.
• They’re so STUPID.
• They see women as something to collect rather than love.
• ‘Cos they are!
• They all just assume that they have the biggest dick you’ve ever come accross.
• They get off with your sister then move straight onto you.
• They lie about everything.
• They’re really selfish.
• They’re dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
• They think with their dicks.
• They dump you by text because they’re too scared to say it to your face.
• They still expect you to shag them after they’ve broken up with you.
• They get off with you then don’t ever call or get in contact with you.
• They’re useless.
• I don’t like them.
• They think poking you in the belly button turns you on when it really really doesn’t.
• They continue to have sex in a weird position even when you’ve told them it does nothing for you.
• They like women in sweaty clothes.
• They go for private lap dances behind their girlfriend’s backs like the horny pervy dickish scummy cunts they are.
• They are either sexually or socially inept.
• They don’t give a toss when they don’t see their girlfriend for 2 weeks and make NO effort to see you.
• They’re REALLY REALLY REALLY nice to you and flirt lots and make you feel bad about fancying them because they aren’t your boyfriend.
• They think they can pull you by putting their hand up your skirt.
• They think that because you are wearing a short skirt it is okay if they randomly stick their hand up it as they walk past you in the street- it isn’t!
• They assume that if you don’t fancy them you are a lesbian.
• They only ever look at tall skinny or blonde women and never look at ugly little stumpy women (not true, she isn’t ugly and what’s so great about blondes?).
• They love their dicks so much they build statues of them only enlarged cos they don’t have the size themselves.
• They have HUUUUUUUUUGE egos.
• They put their cars before their women.
• They think that your whole life revolves around them.
• They make stupid remarks like “there are two types of women- those that take it up the arse and those that don’t”.
• They’re only capable of loving one person- themselves.
• Creepy old men look in your hand bag.
• They want you to sell your body.
• It’s always the ugly ones that like you.
• They all turn into pervy old men as soon as they hit forty.
• They expect you to give them head but have no intention of returning the favour.
• They mess you around and then just when you’re getting over them, they come back and mess you around all over again.
• They ignore you for days and then expect sex just like that, like they can get it on tap.
• They use you as a contingency plan for if they might feel horny later, completely ignoring the fact that you have feelings and don’t like being treated like a piece of furniture.
• They think that a short skirt means that any random ugly, annoying, or old man can come up and get it off you, life doesn’t work like that, if you don’t turn me on then I don’t give a fuck how much I turn you on.
• They still give you puppy dog looks and make you feel bad months after they’ve decided they aren’t interested.
• There really are sweet ones, but most of them are just all chauvenistic bastards who talk too much about themselves then get confused when they realise you actually have something to say.
• They’ll happily tell all their friends about how great you are, but they never actually tell you so you only find out about it months later from some complete random.
• They never reassure you- all women are insecure, if you don’t reassure us we just move on to someone who does.

Labels: Courting, Lists, Pleasure

In the spirit of making lists, I thought I’d do this one for the best people in the world.

Why I love my friends:

1. When I’m drunk and fall over they sit down next to me and promise that if I’m sick on their shoes they’ll kill me.
2. They tell me everything, even the stuff about their boyfriend’s bed manner that I really didn’t want to know.
3. When I’m sad they give me a hug even though they’re very late and it’s raining.
4. They’ll catch my bus every day even though it gets them home twenty minutes later and makes them late for work.
5. They don’t hate me even though I’m a useless worthless person who will never do anything other than contemplate christmas pudings and procrastinate.
6. When ugly scary people tell me that we have to shag because they’ve never had an asian woman before, they put their arms around me and tell the scary people to fuck off and stop hitting on their girlfriend.
7. They still text me even though they know that I can’t text them back, just because they want me to feel loved.
8. They tell me it’s okay when I elbow them in the face and knock their drink into their lap.
9. They act outraged when soneone tells me I’m a bitch even though they know its true and call me one all the time.
10. They’re the best friends in the world and I love them to pieces and stuff. They’re great and brilliant, and beautiful and have worse taste in men than me.
11. They would postpone a dirty weekend with their boyfriend just because it’s my birthday and they don’t want to miss it.
12. They take me out of myself and away from everything when I’m turning into a depressed alcoholic because of my dumbass boyfriend.
13. They would chuck their drink over said dumbass boyfriend because I’m being a pathetic depressed alcoholic again.
14. They’re all beautiful and I’m shallow and love beautiful people.
15. They love me enough to be upset when I’m going to miss major events like their 18th birthday.
16. They tell me when I’m acting like a complete numpty, and they encourage me when I’m getting better.
17. They don’t tell me I’m an idiot when I do something which I know will go wrong, and turns out to go even worse than I imagined. They just say “poor Harriet”.
18. When I’m lying on the pavement and so drunk that even the police keep slowing down to check that I’m alive, they get random drunks to help pick me up and sit me on the wall.
19. They amuse me by drinking in the stupidest places. For example pernod and coke in a coke bottle during a biology lesson. Or weird pink cocktail in a glass slipper in the common room. Or vodka and orange juice in the corridor outside the study room.
20. They ignore me when I’m being silly and let me get on with it because they’ve learnt that when I wish to be silly, I’m damn well going to be and there’s nothing they can do to stop it.

Labels: Friendship, Lists

1. Tidy up- the place is a tip. Can’t have uncluttered mind wih cluttered living area.
2. Spend less time thinking about things and more time doing them. Spend too much time thinking and people will think you’re slow.
3. Become wonderfully witty conversationalist.
4. Stamp out sarcasm. What seemed witty when I was twelve becomes pathetic in anyone older.
5. Use thesaurus to look up synonyms of “witty”.
6. Read more than two pages of “Zen an the art of motorcycle maintenance”.
7. Exercise regularly to become gorgeous glowing individual.
8. Drink wine rather than spirits to become sophisticated person who eats cheese and stuff.
9. Eat lots of fruit and vegetables.
10. Go to sleep at normal time rather than making pointless lists at stupid times in the morning.

Labels: Lists