See-Saw
Tomorrow I get my A level results.
I've never been so terrified.
I hope I don't fail.
If I fail then I'm stuck in Northumberland for another year. At least. The idea is so depressing I feel phsically sick. I love home. Adore it. But I only feel this way when I've got a sea and a few countries separating me from it. When I'm there I feel claustrophobic, irritable, and depressed. Permanently. I can't go back and do it all again.
But what else is there? The real world? I don't feel ready for it. I don't feel mature enough. I don't feel like I belong in it. I belong in bed with a nice big bottle of sparkling white wine and some Jack Daniels on the table beside me. I belong ten years in the future, or one year in the past, when I've got myself worked out, and have happiness on tap. I can't promise that in ten years time I'll have that, but anything has to be better than this suspended lifestyle I have now. It's been wonderful, but its just been rent-free. A holiday from reality if you like. Waiting for the big stuff, the important stuff, the stuff that changes everything.
Tomorrow is pivotal. It may not be so important that it'll kill me if I don't get the desired results. It isn't neccessairily negative or positive whatever happens, but it's all got to change from now on. Now I have to decide what comes next. Tomorrow I get my results, and from next wednesday I am effectively jobless. Again. If I don't get into uni I don't have any comfort zones. I can't just work full time in the pub for a while cos I gave that up. Its a new start whatever, and I don't know where to go. Tomorrow decides that. And its too much.
I'm scared.
I've never been so terrified.
I hope I don't fail.
If I fail then I'm stuck in Northumberland for another year. At least. The idea is so depressing I feel phsically sick. I love home. Adore it. But I only feel this way when I've got a sea and a few countries separating me from it. When I'm there I feel claustrophobic, irritable, and depressed. Permanently. I can't go back and do it all again.
But what else is there? The real world? I don't feel ready for it. I don't feel mature enough. I don't feel like I belong in it. I belong in bed with a nice big bottle of sparkling white wine and some Jack Daniels on the table beside me. I belong ten years in the future, or one year in the past, when I've got myself worked out, and have happiness on tap. I can't promise that in ten years time I'll have that, but anything has to be better than this suspended lifestyle I have now. It's been wonderful, but its just been rent-free. A holiday from reality if you like. Waiting for the big stuff, the important stuff, the stuff that changes everything.
Tomorrow is pivotal. It may not be so important that it'll kill me if I don't get the desired results. It isn't neccessairily negative or positive whatever happens, but it's all got to change from now on. Now I have to decide what comes next. Tomorrow I get my results, and from next wednesday I am effectively jobless. Again. If I don't get into uni I don't have any comfort zones. I can't just work full time in the pub for a while cos I gave that up. Its a new start whatever, and I don't know where to go. Tomorrow decides that. And its too much.
I'm scared.
Good luck.
Posted by
Colonel Knowledge |
9:00 AM, August 17, 2006