Ode to albatrosses

I’m being a very bad blogger at the minute.

It’s just, what with uploading the hundreds of photos I’ve got, and emailing people, and being miserable, and NOT starting smoking… Well, you know, I’ve got a lot on my plate.

But, I’ll endeavor to be my usual free-loading self and tell you all whassup in my life at the minute. Take a seat, this may take a while.

The first, and probably least, of my problems (though the one I am experiencing most right now) is the fact that a few moments ago, I came to the conclusion that I strongly resemble a guinea pig. It’s the teeth. For some reason they just stick out that little too much over my lower lip in a few (okay, one) of the photos I’ve been uploading for relatives/ friends to see how I’m doing in picturesque Deutschland at the moment. I find this greatly disturbing. What if as I get older, they stick out more and more in an exponential growth that finally ends with me looking buck-toothed and ugly? I’ll look like a rabbit.

Slightly more stressful is the fact that on Thursday it is Results Day. Very worrying. I’ve been getting nightmares and flashbacks to the exams. Remembered answers I KNOW I got wrong, etc. And also glimpses of myself asleep before the exam, revision guide pasted to my face, clock sitting beside me saying things like one pm, eleven am, six in the evening, times I should be revising. Or worse, sitting in front of the computer playing with blog templates, or hours on the phone fighting with friends (and friend’s mothers) about bitch fights and well, rumors that while unfair, I can sort of derive some pleasure from considering subsequent events.

I hate exams. Truly. But these I really fucked up in. Call it laziness, call it alcoholism, call it depression, all were factors. And on Thursday I receive a lovely phone call at nine thirty in the morning telling me the exact fruits of my labour. I won’t be reaping a huge harvest this year I can tell you.

Lastly, though not least, is the fact that I return home in a few weeks, and have made a decision that while not bad, is going to cause me problems. You remember a while ago I made reference to a conversation with the ex? If you don’t, you can find it here.

Actually, you know. I don’t even want to talk about what I make of it all. Let’s just get down the facts:

• He misses me. Apparently.
• I miss him. But you already knew that.
• We’re talking a reasonable amount, though a lot less so at the minute as I was trying to be mature and finish whatever might have been or might still be before I go home.
• He wants to see me.
• I feel like I have to see him just to get things sorted out in my own head.

It’s stupid. I know it is. He’s not allowed to miss me. That doesn’t fit with my views of our relationship, or his reasons for wanting to see me again. I just don’t have room for it in my head or something, it isn’t right. It can’t be. But then, what’s going on??

And ignoring that, assuming that he really does miss me, and that I’m not being lied to and having mind games played with me. What do I want? Do I want him to miss me? Do I want him back? How would that even work? I mean, Christ, it just wouldn’t.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. This isn’t allowed to be right. I don’t have enough brain cells anymore. I don’t want to get hurt again. And I don’t even want revenge. I don’t want to see him so I can tramp on him, I don’t know what I want. And what does it matter? I’m well and truly fucked.

Why am I still doing this??

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