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Saturday, July 22, 2006 

Wanting the man I love to tell me he loves me

What was the quote? Ah yes, "Nature abhors a vacuum," by the Colonel on one of the many letters that I posted on here rather than actually posting. Therapy via unsent letter writing. If you're reading me, and think that you would prefer something less serious, more funny, and significantly less self obsessed then I would reccomend the Colonel to you. In fact, the mood that I'm in, it's probably better to read anything else other than me. But, if you're hardcore and as obsessive about my life as I am, then sit back, relax, and get ready to hear me whine.

Right. A few nights ago I put the monster to bed. I was just leaving the room and he called out, "night night, love you," sleepily then closed his eyes. A kid on the verge of dozing off. I quietly said, "Night, love you too," like my grandmother used to before she left me to sleep when I was really little. I shut the door. Took one step, and sank down with my back to the wall and cried. Quietly so I wouldn't wake either of them up, but silent tears are the same as every other type of tear, except more frustrating because you know you must stay silent, share your pain with no one.

I can't say "love you." I can feel it the same as everyone else, but I can't act it or let it show. And until that moment when I closed the door on that sweet little kid who has been driving me utterly crazy for the past two weeks, I didn't realise how much I needed to be told that. When everyone thought that I was pregnant they said stuff like, "it'll be good for you," and how a baby would bring me out of myself, etc. And kids do that. They make me cry, and they make me realise that though they aren't my kids, I still really do love them. I live with them, I feed them, I bath them, I change their icky nappies, and when they tell me they love me I say the same right back.

And I'm turning my phone off. I can't think of any other way to do it. Just for a few days. I thought that a platonic relationship in which we talked occasionally would be fine. When He initially started texting me I was irritated, and confused. Then we talked about a lot of stuff, I wasted a lot of money, and I started to remember what it was that had drawn me to him in the first place. The attraction wasn't the first thing with us. When we met I was so drunk and basically sick to the teeth of men who were after me that I really didn't give a shit about the attractiveness of any fucking male in the place. Yet somehow I still managed to leave with him. You work that one out. I told him to go away, I left him twice to go and talk to my friend who was... otherwise engaged. I didn't want a guy, I'd already vowed that I was celibate and off men for good earlier that night.

Okay, I'll admit, our relationship ended up being a lot about sex. Can you fault me? I'm at the age where while I'm not still completely an adolescent ball of hormones, I'm still youthful, etc. But that first night I wasn't drawn to him because of any chemistry between us, the next morning I had absolutely no idea what he looked like, I couldn't even remember if he'd been attractive. I was drawn to him because of the way we talked to each other, the way he treated me, and the way he was persistent while still not acting like it mattered if he got me or not.

Yes, I know. Nature abhors me right now. But I don't like myself either. I've let him talk his way back in when we both know that he isn't in it for anything other than sex. And that's fine. With anyone else male then that accomodation suits me nicely. But not him. With him I guess it's either all or nothing. And I realised that when the kid told me he loved me. I want someone to tell me they love me. But better, I want the man I love to tell me he loves me. But we both know that he can't do that. And while with anyone else I'll do the one night stand, or the meaningless affair that lasts a fortnight or so, with him I can't.

So instead of continuing to promise something that I've just realised I had no intention of ever doing, even when I thought I actually would, I'm turning my phone off. No one else is interested in phoning me since I left the country anyway, it won't make any difference. Because thats what he expects. He expects sex because it's me, and he knows that I'll do meaningless. And I expected that too. It doesn't hurt anyone, we both know how to make each other happy, and we can both wake up the next morning and get on with everything else without really thinking of it as anything more than fun. But I now know that it would hurt me. I've just realised how much it's already hurt me. So I'm stopping.

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Like your blog! Saying the words... it's hard. Fortunately I can belch it at J all the time in a foreign language, which strangely has less impact. In my native language, I've never said it...

If you've been hurt a lot it can be difficult to express love since we all get very vulnerable when we open up like that.
It takes lots of trust (even if not even that much trust is enough for some) and faith in what you want and have to open the doors that much for someone else.

And we all want love.
Just don't believe those three prescious words whenever a man is using them. Things are not always what they seems to be (as I'm sure you already know).


Great that you've found a way to keep posting while you are overseas. I had missed reading where you were at in your thoughts and life.

It sounds like you are thriving from being in a new place - gaining distance and perspective from your old life - even if some of those realisations are very painful.

Theres a new maturity present in your thinking and your actions. And a new sensitivity in your words. Great!

Thx 4 the add, Hatty!

Now dump that loser ex-boyfriend and get some fit young german lad in your bed.

J's gf: Thats a new one. Maybe if I ever have to say it in future I'll try in French, or Japanese, some language that means nothing to me.

Christa: I can't even get the men to lie and say it!

Colonel: Believe me, I've spent the entire morning and half of this afternoon trying my very hardest and flirtiest to do just that. Who needs a loser when there are gorgeous, sexy, german daddies to pursue?

Though possibly it would be better to aim at someone slightly closer to my own age. And childless. Just a thought...

Christa: I can't even get the men to lie and say it!

If you didn't sound so darn serious I would be on the floor laughing by now...but something tells me that you would slap me around if I did that :p
So I'll behave.

See it this way: There's nothing worse than men who DO lie about those three little words and end up hurting you, so don't be too sad about that. One day Mr Right will walk by and you will hail him in like a fish on a hook ;)
It's bound to happen sooner or later :D

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  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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