Ode to albatrosses

1. I can eat virtually every food except for soup with chopsticks.
2. I have only fallen in love once.
3. The Green Mile is one of the saddest films I have ever watched and the first time I saw it I cried for over half an hour.
4. I tell many white lies but always feel so guilty when I tell a big lie that in the end I have to go back and tell the person that I was lying and I’m sorry.
5. I once spent twenty minutes telling someone all about how I could talk to ducks.
6. I once sat down by the river in Morpeth and practised talking to ducks.
7. I have never liked Barbie’s and as a child refused to play with them when my friend asked me to.
8. My mother left us with our father when I was five years old.
9. While demonstrating how to throw a cricket ball with a rock in my bedroom, I lost control and the rock flew out of my hand. My dad still wants to know why there is a hole in my wall.
10. I hate men who use cheesy chat up lines.
11. I absolutely adore thick baggy jumpers and stilletto heels, though not together.
12. I have set fire to virtually everything including my own hair and a surprisingly flammable plastic bowl that used to be a good place to keep paper clips.
13. There is a very good possibility that I will die alone on a lilo after taking an overdose of some sort of drug after my boyfriend has left me for my best friend/ sister.
14. My best friend/ sister had better feel very sorry about that and have dumped him by my funeral or I will have to come back and haunt them both.
15. My favourite food at this minute is cheese and marshmallow on crackers with chocolate on top. Though it has to be a strong cheese like strong chedder or wensleydale.
16. Gromit is the best dog in the world even though he’s made out of plasticine.
17. I absolutely worship Garfield even though the film irritates me. Though that’s only cos I’ve seen it fifty or so times.
18. Jude Law has irritated me ever since I saw Alfie.
19. I don’t know whether I am an agnostic or Christian because I was brought up christian but it irritates me so I’m an agnostic. But then whenever I’m scared I pray.
20. I don’t really believe it exists, but wouldn’t it be cool if people really were reincarnated?
21. My mom believes that she was Robin Hood in a previous life.
22. My dad believes that he was a young Nazi soldier who was killed when worrying about the pros and cons of murdering a peaceful French family.
23. I grew an orange tree from a pip and now it is nearly as tall as me.
24. According to various IQ tests I have an IQ ranging from 149 on a good day to 37 on a bad. I’m still not too sure about either of those analyses.
25. According to various other tests I have a predominantly male brain, am terrified of rejection, am mildly narcissistic and am genuinely weird.
26. Eventually I want to end up living by the sea. This is quite lucky as if I stay where I am now and Global warming continues at a constant rate, then by the time I am thirty I will have to swim out of my bedroom window if I wish to go anywhere.
27. I think that George Bush is a tit.
28. Tony Blair is not just a tit, he is a tit head.
29. When I am feeling particularly angry, or am just plain drunk, I will probably tell you that all men are numpties.
30. I’m not quite sure what a numpty is.
31. I love salmon and the best way to buy my heart is to buy me something with smoked salmon in it. Possibly a smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich.
32. I’m really hungry even though it’s just past midnight.
33. I love to write, and one day hope to have the stamina to be a proper writer. I will probably have to get past writing ten or eleven books that never actually get past the fifth chapter before I get bored and start a new one.
34. I used to want to be an artist.
35. I have the craziest hair in the world.
36. I don’t like having to approach men, if they want me they should approach me. I’m not into sexism but there is basic animal politeness and if they can’t even manage that then there is something seriously wrong.
37. Feminism is no longer a path to freedom and equality but has lately turned into a way for lesbians to meet other lesbians without going to a gay club, or maybe Brighton.
38. I could never live in Brighton ‘cos there are just waaaaaay too many men who are more likely to look at your brother before you. That is worrying.
39. Before you ask I am not homophobic, I just think it’s a little icky at times and is quite unfair competition. But I’m friends with people who are so it’s just like me not approving of sluts in general. I’m friends with them, but on the pull they can be irritating.
40. I really feel like eating mayonnaise right now.
41. Apparently my sister looks like my twin. Unfortunately I just don’t see it and if you tell me that then it is quite likely that I will attack you with the nearest blunt object.
42. Candles are very very good.
43. When I am old and scary, if you annoy me then I will probably offer you sex just to see how quickly you run away.
44. I am immune to both Bacardi and Archers (though who isn’t immune to Archers?).
45. I have a large box labelled “Harriet’s Box” which I hope no one ever opens as it makes me look really pathetic and stuff.
46. I’ve never cheated on anyone, but I’ve never had a relationship in which I haven’t done something that most people would deem questionable.
47. I lost my virginity when I was seventeen and pissed out of my brains so I still don’t remember most of it, except lying about whether it was my first time or not.
48. The next day I sent a confession by text that I’d lied becuase I felt bad.
49. I am regularly propositioned by men in random places (buses, eldon square, etc) by men who “have never got freaky with an Asian before”.
50. I regularly turn these men down.
51. I have never pulled at any school dances/ discos/ proms, etc.
52. I am about to dump my boyfriend of three and a half months and that makes me cry.
53. My room has one and a half walls that are a different colour to the others as I bought both paint and rollers, but then got bored half way through.
54. That is pretty much the story of my life.
55. I really don’t like myself.
56. I’m a whore for alcohol.
57. Once, my friend and I toasted ice cream because we ran out of Marshmallows.
58. We also spent that night in a mobile internet chat room under the pseudonym “Floppy drums”.
59. This name was due to the drumsticks we were eating that had gone floppy rather than anything else you sick minded freaks.
60. Vibrators scare me.
61. I worked as a waitress for two and a half years until I had to leave as it was either that or shoot myself.
62. I adore taking photos of everything. Especially roads and the sky.
63. I’m going to uni to do pharmaceutical chemistry, which has nothing to do with my eventual goal to run an art gallery.
64. The only man I’ve fallen in love with, I only got off with in the first place to piss another guy off.
65. I have utterly crap first impressions of people.
    

Labels: Stuff

Following the breakup of one of my best friends, we all got together to write a list of why men are bastards. Please don’t be insulted or send me hate mail.

• They only reply to you if you put a question in the text.
• They’re sexist and egocentric.
• I still haven’t met one who knows where my clitoris is.
• They have no conscience.
• They mess you around and don’t have a clue what they’re doing wrong.
• They’re so STUPID.
• They see women as something to collect rather than love.
• ‘Cos they are!
• They all just assume that they have the biggest dick you’ve ever come accross.
• They get off with your sister then move straight onto you.
• They lie about everything.
• They’re really selfish.
• They’re dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb.
• They think with their dicks.
• They dump you by text because they’re too scared to say it to your face.
• They still expect you to shag them after they’ve broken up with you.
• They get off with you then don’t ever call or get in contact with you.
• They’re useless.
• I don’t like them.
• They think poking you in the belly button turns you on when it really really doesn’t.
• They continue to have sex in a weird position even when you’ve told them it does nothing for you.
• They like women in sweaty clothes.
• They go for private lap dances behind their girlfriend’s backs like the horny pervy dickish scummy cunts they are.
• They are either sexually or socially inept.
• They don’t give a toss when they don’t see their girlfriend for 2 weeks and make NO effort to see you.
• They’re REALLY REALLY REALLY nice to you and flirt lots and make you feel bad about fancying them because they aren’t your boyfriend.
• They think they can pull you by putting their hand up your skirt.
• They think that because you are wearing a short skirt it is okay if they randomly stick their hand up it as they walk past you in the street- it isn’t!
• They assume that if you don’t fancy them you are a lesbian.
• They only ever look at tall skinny or blonde women and never look at ugly little stumpy women (not true, she isn’t ugly and what’s so great about blondes?).
• They love their dicks so much they build statues of them only enlarged cos they don’t have the size themselves.
• They have HUUUUUUUUUGE egos.
• They put their cars before their women.
• They think that your whole life revolves around them.
• They make stupid remarks like “there are two types of women- those that take it up the arse and those that don’t”.
• They’re only capable of loving one person- themselves.
• Creepy old men look in your hand bag.
• They want you to sell your body.
• It’s always the ugly ones that like you.
• They all turn into pervy old men as soon as they hit forty.
• They expect you to give them head but have no intention of returning the favour.
• They mess you around and then just when you’re getting over them, they come back and mess you around all over again.
• They ignore you for days and then expect sex just like that, like they can get it on tap.
• They use you as a contingency plan for if they might feel horny later, completely ignoring the fact that you have feelings and don’t like being treated like a piece of furniture.
• They think that a short skirt means that any random ugly, annoying, or old man can come up and get it off you, life doesn’t work like that, if you don’t turn me on then I don’t give a fuck how much I turn you on.
• They still give you puppy dog looks and make you feel bad months after they’ve decided they aren’t interested.
• There really are sweet ones, but most of them are just all chauvenistic bastards who talk too much about themselves then get confused when they realise you actually have something to say.
• They’ll happily tell all their friends about how great you are, but they never actually tell you so you only find out about it months later from some complete random.
• They never reassure you- all women are insecure, if you don’t reassure us we just move on to someone who does.

Labels: Courting, Lists, Pleasure

In the spirit of making lists, I thought I’d do this one for the best people in the world.

Why I love my friends:

1. When I’m drunk and fall over they sit down next to me and promise that if I’m sick on their shoes they’ll kill me.
2. They tell me everything, even the stuff about their boyfriend’s bed manner that I really didn’t want to know.
3. When I’m sad they give me a hug even though they’re very late and it’s raining.
4. They’ll catch my bus every day even though it gets them home twenty minutes later and makes them late for work.
5. They don’t hate me even though I’m a useless worthless person who will never do anything other than contemplate christmas pudings and procrastinate.
6. When ugly scary people tell me that we have to shag because they’ve never had an asian woman before, they put their arms around me and tell the scary people to fuck off and stop hitting on their girlfriend.
7. They still text me even though they know that I can’t text them back, just because they want me to feel loved.
8. They tell me it’s okay when I elbow them in the face and knock their drink into their lap.
9. They act outraged when soneone tells me I’m a bitch even though they know its true and call me one all the time.
10. They’re the best friends in the world and I love them to pieces and stuff. They’re great and brilliant, and beautiful and have worse taste in men than me.
11. They would postpone a dirty weekend with their boyfriend just because it’s my birthday and they don’t want to miss it.
12. They take me out of myself and away from everything when I’m turning into a depressed alcoholic because of my dumbass boyfriend.
13. They would chuck their drink over said dumbass boyfriend because I’m being a pathetic depressed alcoholic again.
14. They’re all beautiful and I’m shallow and love beautiful people.
15. They love me enough to be upset when I’m going to miss major events like their 18th birthday.
16. They tell me when I’m acting like a complete numpty, and they encourage me when I’m getting better.
17. They don’t tell me I’m an idiot when I do something which I know will go wrong, and turns out to go even worse than I imagined. They just say “poor Harriet”.
18. When I’m lying on the pavement and so drunk that even the police keep slowing down to check that I’m alive, they get random drunks to help pick me up and sit me on the wall.
19. They amuse me by drinking in the stupidest places. For example pernod and coke in a coke bottle during a biology lesson. Or weird pink cocktail in a glass slipper in the common room. Or vodka and orange juice in the corridor outside the study room.
20. They ignore me when I’m being silly and let me get on with it because they’ve learnt that when I wish to be silly, I’m damn well going to be and there’s nothing they can do to stop it.

Labels: Friendship, Lists