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Wednesday, June 21, 2006 

And, again.

Men. You fall in love with them, get cruelly rejected after however many months, despise them, finally manage to say goodbye, and then watch them leave, you think, forever. I said goodbye! It wasn’t even a “hey, have fun, see you when you get back,” type goodbye. It was a full on, melodramatic, “This is it, au revoir.”

Then on Monday night I receive a few texts. Just letting me know, “hey, I’m good, the navy rocks” type thing. Yeah, fine, I can deal. So I said goodbye, I was in a ratty mood when I said it, and being friends with your ex really isn’t so bad. I mean, yes, “I’m bigger than everyone else so no one is going to arse-rape me,” seems slightly strange overall as something to text your ex, but he is strange. I adore crazy people; I’m so damn insane myself. So I sent back a “hi, that’s nice,” and avoided further communication.

And, as always, he was completely and utterly unperturbed. Ten thirtyish last night, thinking of possibly going in search of something to eat (yes, I know, eating late at night is a VERY bad habit, but I can’t help when I’m hungry). Check my phone, “Have to get up at quarter to five tomorrow and no sex for the next six weeks!” Great.

When I want him to talk to me all I can get out of him is one argument, and a lot of pissed of texts along the lines of “go away.” Then, when I get over it and move on, he starts texting me about the various aspects of his sex life. If there is a god, he is seriously taking the piss.

A month ago I would have gladly replied with something cheeky and verging on flirty. A month before that I would have sent back something along the lines of, “Hah! I definitely don’t have the same problem”. I was really quite bitter for a while. But now… I don’t know. Now when I look back, I’m looking back at everything. I don’t just see the good and blank out all of the shit. And I also know that there’s no point to any of it as it is highly unlikely that I’m going to see him before Christmas, if even then.

God knows how often he’s going to be on leave and back up here, but I’m leaving in a weeks time for two months in Germany, then I’m going down to London as soon as I get back into the country. When I finally get back home I’ll have about two weeks before I’ve got to leave again for Edinburgh. Whether he’s considering some sort of booty call, or simply friendship, it doesn’t really matter.

But it isn’t fair. No one from my past seems to just stay in the past. There are always echoes, repeat incidents, and I always get messed up by them. I know, I’ll probably still be getting random crap of various ex’s when I’m thirty and still not contemplating settling down. That’s how they work, and I guess that’s sort of how I work too.

I don’t know. I’m confused, and annoyed, and amused all at the same time. I want him to go away and leave me alone because all he does is cause trouble. But I missed receiving all the crazy crap that he used to send me. I’ve missed the stupid conversations, and everything else that made up the relationship.

I don’t miss him. But the texts make me miss him. So they piss me off and I want him to leave me alone. But I still don’t want that really. I know I don’t want him back, and I know that I do want his friendship. So really, they’re a blessing. Until he starts talking about sex.

I think I’ve learnt to separate love and lust a bit too much. If they were as intertwined as they are with most people, I’d be as wary of the lust as I am of getting even a little bit involved with him again. Unfortunately, I don’t love him, but there are still a few aspects that I miss.

Right. I have succeeded in not only utterly confusing myself, but also completely wasting my time thinking about him. Again. Typical.

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At least the people you want to stay in the past rarely does that.

Sex and love is rarely intertwined...at least not for men who can easily separate them and be just as happy. Without actually know this guy it sounds as if he's selfish to contact you again...or he's completely unaware of how you feel.

Most of us miss the enviroment around a partner when the love is gone and over with. The things that you connect to that relationship, no matter how bad it was.
Which is probably (I'm guessing here) what you're missing too.

And the past will always be there. It's a good thing as long as you don't use it as a couch. Allow it to make you grow and become stronger :)

I think he falls into the "completely unaware" category. He's a bit slow on the uptake when it comes to relationships, and for reasons of self preservation there was no way in hell that I was going to tell him how I felt. But then that's just my insecurities so really it's my fault.

Thanks for the advice. At the minute anything at all is helpful. x

Hello lady.
Thanks for your nice comment on my blog.
I don't know what to say about this story you tell (very well). Except ... there comes a point when you wake up and it's not the first thing you think about. Oh, and the boring practical stuff? If you want even a vague chance of beginning to forget about someone:

1. put all the stuff that reminds you of them in a box and put it away somewhere
2. buy new sheets
3. do not contact them, or let them contact you, for 3 months.

It works. Every time. Facile, but true. And after the 3 months, it all makes sense, too.

DM xx

I think you're doing the right thing not to tell him how you feel. That could complicate things even more. And most men are rather "unaware" about how we feel even when we do tell them.
You're probably better off without him :hugs:

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  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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