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Monday, July 17, 2006 

Toddlers, cannibalism, and nation-wide perfectionism

Guten tag.

It has been a whole two weeks since I last logged in. I came back to 1269 emails and a reasonable number of comments. All I can say is that my "spam filter" has a lot to answer for. Quite obviously, the reason I have been away was because I was having two weeks of non-stop passionate sex with a tall gorgeous German with really big feet who wouldn't let me get out of bed, or even off the kitchen table, long enough to come online. It had absolutely nothing to do with me being run off my feet by two hyperactive toddlers from seven in the morning till eight at night, and then being too knackered to do anything other than collapse into an inanimate mush until seven am the next morning.

I adore it here. I actually have money for the first time since... erm... I discovered alcohol? And to celebrate I bought myself the most gorgeous dress in the whole wide world. It's a black and white polka dot halter neck summer dress and though it is slightly revealing, it still manages to be demure. Of course, if I continue I will never be able to buy myself a laptop as intended. And I'm not entirely certain how I'm going to fit my smoothie-maker machine thingy into my suitcase... But, hey, I'm a big girl now, I have to buy kitchen appliances or I'll not be able to make valuable stuff like mango smoothies and tomato soup. It was totally not an impulse buy. It was actually pretty cost effective considering how much I must have spent buying a smoothie every morning for the last year. The Bridget Bardot sunglasses were, of course, completely essential.

The houses here have tiles on them. The sun comes down stronger, and everything looks like its straight from a Hans Christian Anderson story. It's all houses with hats on, and antlers about the front door. Germany is a country of confused identity. The architecture is so random its insane. It all looks so very german, but it's varied, and, well... completely obscure. It's all so very cynical. Religion, architecture, their whole national philosophy. They're a nation of perfectionists. It's weird because I'd heard the stereotypes, and somehow it lives up to them all, and then manages to surprise me.

The kids, of course, are driving me insane. I don't get enough sleep, and changing nappies... I'm eighteen, this stuff just doesn't agree with me. Today I was dribbled on, puked on, had food thrown at me, and carried a kid while he was sitting on his bicycle all the way home because he kicked up such a fuss i couldn't be arsed with him. I then came online for the first time in fuck knows how long to have david and scott making unnecessary comments regarding me, dildos, my ex boyfriend's cock, and various people that I'd managed to completely forget existed. It reminds me why I never logged into msn when I was using the internet on a regular basis. Meh. It cheered me up slightly.

I have a conundrum at the minute regarding when I come home. I have a choice of two weeks in which to return. I'm totally undecided and don't want to go into it yet on here. For the first time in my life I'm going to exercise discretion. Also, there is the probability that if I do go into it here I will be yelled at. It makes more sense to come home later. If I come over on the third of september then I won't be travelling alone, I'll have an extra weeks pay, I won't have the chance to do anything stupid that I would regret for a very long time and would think of myself as pathetic for doing. But if I come home a week earlier then I get to act stupid, I see my friends for an extra week which is good considering how early some of them are going to uni, and i get to go down to london for a few days and visit my brother. I need to make a decision pretty quickly too otherwise I won't have a choice and will just have to take whatever ticket i can get.

But I don't want to go through this all here. I'm in another country, I've got a completely different lifestyle, and my skin is a completely different colour. Realising that changing all of that changes so little inside me isn't just depressing, it's pathetic. But I don't adapt like that. My sleeping pattern has taken a kicking- I'm a morning person now (god help us). I've turned from strict vegetarian to, well... someone who can't really call herself that anymore. I mean, it was only a croissant which I totally didn't realise had ham in it. Even though I don't speak german, if something is labelled "cheese croissant" I don't expect ham inside. And then there was the tortellini with bacon in because it was cooked and I was too tired to actually make myself something meat free, plus I'd already had the croissant so who cared? And then it was the sausages cos I was hungry and they smelt goood. And so on until eventually it all just slides away from me and I'm left with the certainty that my dad is going to be really disappointed in me, and my aunt will be disgusted (read "aunt" as "bossy surrogate mother").

Anyway, I'm exhausted and I can't afford to sleep in tomorrow. I can't afford to sleep in at all, but sometimes its unavoidable and I end up going out make-up-less and without suncream which results in me wearing my sunglasses too much and turning red everywhere except for two huge circles around my eyes. Well, slight exaggeration. I mean, I haven't actually turned any colour except from a rather acceptable mocha yet, but I really do have sunglasses marks and if I continue then even if I don't turn into a lobster, I will still die at the measly age of twenty three due to skin cancer. So anyway, will write something lovely and poetic or something tomorrow night. Or some other night when i'm awake enough.


Living in a different country (different from your native one that is) can be rather confusing, but it's neat since it gives you a completely new perspective on things.

And I was in your age (one year older) when I become a mom, so I know all about that crazy feeling around changing nappies and get loaded with a responsibility that you're not really ready for. My son is 23 now and in spite of my young age at the time, he turned out pretty well :)
He's in Sweden though so I don't see him very often.

Travel as much as you can while you can btw. It's good for you and for the sake of every decision that you make in the future. I've lived in a lot of places on this planet and it made me to what I am...whatever that might be ;)

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  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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    * In 2001 one New Zealand fishing boat killed over 300 seabirds in just one trip, while fishing for ling.
    * Each year over 300,000 seabirds are killed by longline fishing.
    * Over the past 60 years some albatross populations have declined by 90%.
    * Annually around 10,000 albatross and petrels are caught in New Zealand waters alone.
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