Ode to albatrosses

On War – “A contention by force; or the art of paralysing the forces of an enemy.”

Most of the time my life feels like a battlefield. There is always some form of contention. My family, my friendships, the pressure to do well in whatever field, and the constant quest to find both love and enlightenment. But they’re just the external battles. The internal ones are harder because the enemy is not someone you can see, it isn’t something you can hack with an axe, or humiliate with words. The enemy is simply those aspects of yourself that you dislike. The ones you fight to keep control of. The basic instincts, and the emotional scars.

But there is another end of the spectrum. All of those things are what make my life worthwhile too. So my friends and family drive me crazy; they only do so because I care about them so much. Pressure is hard when you feel like you’re trying to meet some illusive idea of perfection, but the few times you come close are the times when you feel the most satisfied, the most victorious. And love. Loving anyone is hard because when you open yourself up to another person you give them the power to hurt you. To truly let someone in is to lie upon the sacrificial alter and hand the priest the knife. With love you will hurt. It’s a simple fact. But to avoid the pain is to avoid losing so much more.

I cannot vanquish my demons, but they remind me of all the things that are important to me. And if you were to take my mother as an example, she scarred me, she hurt me, and the pain isn’t something I can grow out of. But when you question me as to whether I still love her for it, I cannot but tell you I do. She could have beaten me senseless, she could have made the scars physical instead of just mental, and I’d still love her. It’s simply impossible not to.

So my life is a constant equilibrium between conflict, and love. I’m at war with myself, but still find that I completely adore my life. Sometimes I shift closer to one end of the spectrum, but I spend just as much time at the other end too.

I was asked if I had regrets. And I do, of course, have many. But could I go back and change them, go back and right all the wrongs. Could I avoid things, and simply delete significant parts of my life? No. Could anyone? Our lives are a serious of causes and effects. Either the cause or effect can be unpleasant, but then, so much in life always is.

Life is a constant struggle. We struggle to find true love, happiness, ourselves. And eventually we find those things, we’re happy. Some people will never find them. I know so many people who have simply never met the aspirations they set for themselves years ago. But everyone, for even a short period of time, has found happiness, no matter how small. And that’s what we live for; those short periods of joy.

Labels: dynasty, Flying