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Friday, June 02, 2006 

A figment of my hypochondria

I'm not pregnant. I know that it is physically impossible for me to be pregnant. I mean, I've put on a lot of weight, but that's normal for someone my age. If I was pregnant then I would have missed my period last month as well. I have absolutely nothing to worry about. It's just that I haven't looked at my calendar for a while, and when I looked at it today, well, I'm actually pretty late. Like really quite late. It was due on the twenty second. And normally my predictions are a day off. At most.

Normally I would say that it was probably me stressing that had caused it to be weird. But I haven't stressed. I forgot about it entirely. And I'm not really that stressed with anything else either. I'm scairily unstressed considering that I'm going to Germany in a month and have my exams in three days time. The last few weeks I've been really relaxed. Though very hungry. I'm always hungry. Could that cause me to miss it? Putting on weight? That would make sense. Probably.

I'd make a terrible mother. I can't be pregnant. I'd kill it. Or forget about it and leave it somewhere. Look at me! I'm referring to the kid as an "it". Though now that I try to stop calling it an it, I can't actually think of another name for it. Jesus, names. I'd have to name it, and feed it, and... well whatever else you do with kids other than yell at them and break your back carrying them around. I'm good with children, yeah, but I can't have one of my own! I'd get drunk and stand on it or something. In stillettos. That would really really hurt. This is not good.

What if I am pregnant? Beccy was six months gone before she realised because she kept getting her periods. She only found out about two weeks ago when she went to talk to the doctor about methods of contraception, they did a pregnancy test, and suddenly, "did you know you were pregnant?" It's possible. My period was pretty soon after we had sex, and it was actually really strange. And it lasted about two days, that's unusual even for me.

Right. I am not going to stress about this. If I am pregnant then I shall deal with it, but otherwise there is no point. I don't need to worry. It will all be because I have put on weight recently. The weight gain is not because there is an embryo developing inside me.

Aaaaaaaaagh! Horrible thought. Me and Dave as parents. Christ. A few months ago we actually made a list of all the resons why we should never have children together. We're immature. We don't agree about anything. We're both crazy alcoholic idiots. We didn't add that in sixteen days he's going off to the Navy, but then, at the time it wasn't sixteen days away. Not that it really matters. If we have a kid then it won't be "us" having it. It'll be me. I mean great, if he wants to have anything to do with it then fine, I'm not gonna keep the kid from seing it's daddy, (this is all under the assumption that the kid exists and is not just a figment of my hypochondria) but I'm not going to expect that either. We had a scare before. I wasn't this late last time actually, but whatever, I have never seen anyone go so white. He was freaked.

I haven't even talked to him since the start of last month. And then we were just fighting. What do I do? Randomly phone him out of the blue, "Hey, good luck with the Navy, try not to come back too camp, and by the way, you're going to be a father"? Nope. Not stressing remember? I've really got to get round to learning meditation or something. I'm sure I've made some kind of resolution to learn either yoga or meditation. That would really come in handy right now.

Okay. Breathing deeply. I need a mantra. "I am not pregnant, but if I am it will not ruin my life. It will be an asset and a gift." Are mantra's allowed to be longer than one sentence? And should I be repeating this while sitting cross-legged, or is it okay to be in a chair? Do I need to face the east and say a prayer too? Christ. Now I'm starting to worry about whether or not I'm highly strung. It would seem so from this, but is it really something I should be worrying about when potentially there is a mini-me growing in my womb? I don't think so. I've really got to get a grip.

I could always get an abortion. Though killing my first-born before it's even born seems slightly too Old Testament, and the reason I'm a vegetarian is because I'm against killing. I can't kill my own kid! I may already be convinced it's going to turn into a whiny brat that will probably get taken away by the social services, but even a crappy life with me as a mother has to be better than simply not existing. I don't think my parenting skills will be that bad. I hope.

I don't want to be pregnant. I want to be eighteen, about to go to uni, and single. I don't want to be stuck with a blood tie to the ex that made me cry, and I really don't want to have to look after a munchkin on top of trying not to be kicked out of uni. I'd never be able to go out. I can't afford a baby never mind a baby sitter.

Damn. I'm going to go and either cry, or find a book on meditation. Maybe both.

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About me

  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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Save the Albatrosses

    albatrosssavethe

    * In 2001 one New Zealand fishing boat killed over 300 seabirds in just one trip, while fishing for ling.
    * Each year over 300,000 seabirds are killed by longline fishing.
    * Over the past 60 years some albatross populations have declined by 90%.
    * Annually around 10,000 albatross and petrels are caught in New Zealand waters alone.
  • Save the Albatrosses
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