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Thursday, June 01, 2006 

Reverting to the Ice Queen

I don't want to be alone right now. I guess I don't want to be alone a lot of the time. But right now somehow feels different, worse. This is when my resolve is slipping. I'm starting to think of calling someone in my phonebook, starting to think maybe that being with anyone would be better than sitting here on my own. I'm starting to think less like myself, and more like the scared, lonely, little girl.

The thing that I most hate about books is that nine times out of ten there's a happy ending. Everyone falls in love, lives happily ever after. But we don't. It isn't real. Not just that it's fictional, but in real life we break up, Prince Charming can't keep his eyes from wandering and Cinderella keeps on going way over on his credit card because of her love of Jimmy Choos. And in the end there is a nasty break up, they miss each other, but fuck if they're going through all that heart break again.

And there are so many men out there. So many untried, like a huge buffet and you've only started to taste the apetizers. But we can't go through every man, and if you get a stomach ache after your first bite, do you really want to come back for more? With people of course it's different. We have to come back whether we got food poisoning and couldn't get out of bed for three weeks solid. There's always celibacy in the name of religion, but most people don't truly want to give up on love, we just want to hate the person who made us doubt it for a while.

I don't doubt love. I guess I did before I met him, but now I know that I can fall in love. So if I've done it once, then I can do it again. Theoretically. We have a debate. Jenny is with a friend of mine, and they say that they're in love. But they've only been together for a month now, and only see each other once a week. The debate is whether or not they can actually be in love. I won't say who's doing the debating. And maybe it is love. Who knows but them? It took me a long time to work out that I was in love, but I wasn't feeling anything different to what I felt in the first three weeks, I just didn't want to admit to myself that I loved him. Honestly, it scared the hell out of me, and I didn't want to love someone who didn't love me back.

I can't judge whether they're in love. I can tell you that what I had initially was mutual lust, and it turned into love for me, and disinterest for him. But I can't judge others because when I see them together they're with other people, they aren't alone, and I don't know the dynamics of the relationship at all. I can say that in my opinion it probably isn't, but who am I to judge that? I couldn't say that to her, and I'm more than willing to reconsider.

I've spent a very long time believing love to be a myth. Obviously a nice myth. I guess I've just treated it in the same way that I've treated religion. Both seem nice theoretically, but are they real? And finding out that it was, that hurt more than my cynicism. My cynicism protected me, and when it left it was like being stripped naked, but not in a good way. Needless to say it was a very bad relationship. Another thing that I learnt was that even though love is nice in theory, it isn't always nice, sometimes it's a complete bitch. You don't want it, and when you really really don't want it, that's when it decides to come and fuck with you.

Love is supposed to be everything. It's supposed to make you wake up one day and think everything is beautiful. It's supposed to enrich your life. And from what I see of other people, I guess it does that for them. My cynicism had an unexpected side effect. It meant that when I did fall in love, I was completely and utterly unprepared. Next time I won't be so much.

I've been naive and stupid. And for a a long time I really stopped acting like myself. But this isn't better. I'm out, I'm free, but I'm not happy. I don't understand why it's so impossible to be happily single anymore. I hate that I envy those who are happy. And I despise that I've become bitter and lonely. I'll have many relationships, I'll be fine, and I won't be lonely. The lonliness is temporary, and not something I worry about, I just don't enjoy coping with it at the moment. But trust in love is something I've lost. I believe that it exists now, and as far as I'm concerned it can fuck off. I don't want it, I'm happier without it, and I act like an idiot when I'm in it. I'm not doing it again. It's been two months and I'm still totally fucked up about it. I've had enough. I'm going to go back to being the ice queen, at least then it was me who was in control.

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Love will find you again.

You have been hurt and it is normal you turn inward to see what is wrong. Nothing is wrong. You and he were not a match.

Do not go looking for love, just live your life as you like it and you will find happiness.

When we are young, sex and hormones tend to rule us. Perhaps you should hold back on the sex until you are certain that your feelings are returned. Or not. Just do not expect a sexual liaison to become a romance.

I do not have the answers, but I was in so many bad relationships that I gave up and was alone for many years.

Now I am married to my best friend and it is based on much more than the physical.

God bless.

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About me

  • An albatross can fly for thousands of miles without getting tired. I've always thought that love is similar to flying, therefore we should aspire to be like the albatross.

    I don't know if I can do that. So far I haven't been so lucky. But one day I'll test my wings with someone, and flying won't be so hard after all. Or so painful.
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    * In 2001 one New Zealand fishing boat killed over 300 seabirds in just one trip, while fishing for ling.
    * Each year over 300,000 seabirds are killed by longline fishing.
    * Over the past 60 years some albatross populations have declined by 90%.
    * Annually around 10,000 albatross and petrels are caught in New Zealand waters alone.
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