Ode to albatrosses

1. I can eat virtually every food except for soup with chopsticks.
2. I have only fallen in love once.
3. The Green Mile is one of the saddest films I have ever watched and the first time I saw it I cried for over half an hour.
4. I tell many white lies but always feel so guilty when I tell a big lie that in the end I have to go back and tell the person that I was lying and I’m sorry.
5. I once spent twenty minutes telling someone all about how I could talk to ducks.
6. I once sat down by the river in Morpeth and practised talking to ducks.
7. I have never liked Barbie’s and as a child refused to play with them when my friend asked me to.
8. My mother left us with our father when I was five years old.
9. While demonstrating how to throw a cricket ball with a rock in my bedroom, I lost control and the rock flew out of my hand. My dad still wants to know why there is a hole in my wall.
10. I hate men who use cheesy chat up lines.
11. I absolutely adore thick baggy jumpers and stilletto heels, though not together.
12. I have set fire to virtually everything including my own hair and a surprisingly flammable plastic bowl that used to be a good place to keep paper clips.
13. There is a very good possibility that I will die alone on a lilo after taking an overdose of some sort of drug after my boyfriend has left me for my best friend/ sister.
14. My best friend/ sister had better feel very sorry about that and have dumped him by my funeral or I will have to come back and haunt them both.
15. My favourite food at this minute is cheese and marshmallow on crackers with chocolate on top. Though it has to be a strong cheese like strong chedder or wensleydale.
16. Gromit is the best dog in the world even though he’s made out of plasticine.
17. I absolutely worship Garfield even though the film irritates me. Though that’s only cos I’ve seen it fifty or so times.
18. Jude Law has irritated me ever since I saw Alfie.
19. I don’t know whether I am an agnostic or Christian because I was brought up christian but it irritates me so I’m an agnostic. But then whenever I’m scared I pray.
20. I don’t really believe it exists, but wouldn’t it be cool if people really were reincarnated?
21. My mom believes that she was Robin Hood in a previous life.
22. My dad believes that he was a young Nazi soldier who was killed when worrying about the pros and cons of murdering a peaceful French family.
23. I grew an orange tree from a pip and now it is nearly as tall as me.
24. According to various IQ tests I have an IQ ranging from 149 on a good day to 37 on a bad. I’m still not too sure about either of those analyses.
25. According to various other tests I have a predominantly male brain, am terrified of rejection, am mildly narcissistic and am genuinely weird.
26. Eventually I want to end up living by the sea. This is quite lucky as if I stay where I am now and Global warming continues at a constant rate, then by the time I am thirty I will have to swim out of my bedroom window if I wish to go anywhere.
27. I think that George Bush is a tit.
28. Tony Blair is not just a tit, he is a tit head.
29. When I am feeling particularly angry, or am just plain drunk, I will probably tell you that all men are numpties.
30. I’m not quite sure what a numpty is.
31. I love salmon and the best way to buy my heart is to buy me something with smoked salmon in it. Possibly a smoked salmon and cream cheese sandwich.
32. I’m really hungry even though it’s just past midnight.
33. I love to write, and one day hope to have the stamina to be a proper writer. I will probably have to get past writing ten or eleven books that never actually get past the fifth chapter before I get bored and start a new one.
34. I used to want to be an artist.
35. I have the craziest hair in the world.
36. I don’t like having to approach men, if they want me they should approach me. I’m not into sexism but there is basic animal politeness and if they can’t even manage that then there is something seriously wrong.
37. Feminism is no longer a path to freedom and equality but has lately turned into a way for lesbians to meet other lesbians without going to a gay club, or maybe Brighton.
38. I could never live in Brighton ‘cos there are just waaaaaay too many men who are more likely to look at your brother before you. That is worrying.
39. Before you ask I am not homophobic, I just think it’s a little icky at times and is quite unfair competition. But I’m friends with people who are so it’s just like me not approving of sluts in general. I’m friends with them, but on the pull they can be irritating.
40. I really feel like eating mayonnaise right now.
41. Apparently my sister looks like my twin. Unfortunately I just don’t see it and if you tell me that then it is quite likely that I will attack you with the nearest blunt object.
42. Candles are very very good.
43. When I am old and scary, if you annoy me then I will probably offer you sex just to see how quickly you run away.
44. I am immune to both Bacardi and Archers (though who isn’t immune to Archers?).
45. I have a large box labelled “Harriet’s Box” which I hope no one ever opens as it makes me look really pathetic and stuff.
46. I’ve never cheated on anyone, but I’ve never had a relationship in which I haven’t done something that most people would deem questionable.
47. I lost my virginity when I was seventeen and pissed out of my brains so I still don’t remember most of it, except lying about whether it was my first time or not.
48. The next day I sent a confession by text that I’d lied becuase I felt bad.
49. I am regularly propositioned by men in random places (buses, eldon square, etc) by men who “have never got freaky with an Asian before”.
50. I regularly turn these men down.
51. I have never pulled at any school dances/ discos/ proms, etc.
52. I am about to dump my boyfriend of three and a half months and that makes me cry.
53. My room has one and a half walls that are a different colour to the others as I bought both paint and rollers, but then got bored half way through.
54. That is pretty much the story of my life.
55. I really don’t like myself.
56. I’m a whore for alcohol.
57. Once, my friend and I toasted ice cream because we ran out of Marshmallows.
58. We also spent that night in a mobile internet chat room under the pseudonym “Floppy drums”.
59. This name was due to the drumsticks we were eating that had gone floppy rather than anything else you sick minded freaks.
60. Vibrators scare me.
61. I worked as a waitress for two and a half years until I had to leave as it was either that or shoot myself.
62. I adore taking photos of everything. Especially roads and the sky.
63. I’m going to uni to do pharmaceutical chemistry, which has nothing to do with my eventual goal to run an art gallery.
64. The only man I’ve fallen in love with, I only got off with in the first place to piss another guy off.
65. I have utterly crap first impressions of people.
    

Labels: Stuff